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My Vulnerable Moment

I am in a battle. One in which I regularly find myself in. It does not pertain to a specific topic rather a pressure. A pressure I allow or have allowed to be placed upon me. It is true that it is pressure that has inappropriately been forced upon me. It is though, a pressure in which I have agreed to. No, I did not consciously agree to feeling pressure to maintain, ah, there is the clue. Maintain. A word I just dropped which clues you into the battlefield I find myself placed within. Why does my mind sit in contemplation as to maintain my position. My financial position. My mental position. My social position.

Everything always works out. Whenever things get tight financially, lyndsy and I tell each other, “it always works out”. And it does. Every time. This in itself is a level which we decided to maintain. So, to maintain, is a false construct that consumes my perception and in this construct there are levels to this which I participate. How do I change the levels and ultimately move out of maintaining all together. This with the ultimate goal of removing pressure forever.

Knowing this is completely of the mind, I find myself clearing my mind and simplifying my physical life.

Currently today, it is though, still a battle. This due to both my ability/inability to separate from the systems around me. And the continued presence of these systems designed to work against me pushing on my state of mind. A construct which I was born in and designed to be controlled by.

Today I sit with over a month without my regular method of maintaining my systematic bills. I am creative and have sold personal items and adapted to suggested alternatives. As proactive as I am, the construct is filling my mind with a feeling of restriction as more of the dreaded linear time proceeds. My resources I physically see are depleting and pressure is building.

We have options. I can sit and see while letting pressure mount. I can sit and meditate and clear my mind. I can combine either of these with proactive efforts. The additive proactive efforts can be supplemental to the pressure or in contrast to the pressure to maintain. Choices of what the systems easily accept like manual labor (labour within the system) further place me in a mindset to maintain. This because the system designed a view for us to fall back on when we cannot facilitate our desires and the unknown journey these desires require. Adding a creative effort in the current system is a risk. Risk defined and created by the system. Generating monetary requirements from the creative creates pressure as the system has taught us risk doesn’t pay bills and creative is risk.

Unknown journeys of desire are that of what some would say answer the meaning of life question. So knowing this, it is clear where to find happiness and fulfillment. This though is in contrast to what I speak to you here today of the pressure to maintain. The pressure to maintain in a society created specifically designed to make us choose the opposite of that in which we desire. That which would give us happiness and fulfillment.

I am speaking here in this moment and it has become apparent to me I am doing three things. Being aware of my feelings is the first. Asking for help removing myself from this restrictive, destructive construct is the second. And to let you know you are not alone. Let you know who I am in the moment and my vulnerability and my recognition of my journey.

In my journey I choose to help those in my path, when in need, with whatever I have the ability to provide with no requirement in return. I wish to accept this in return graciously. My email is

Published inbreathfearless